Stress

Being both anxious and depressed, I am no stranger to stress. However, lately it has been worse than usual. I have been out of work for a couple of months, and even though I am trying hard to find a job, I am going through my savings too fast. This is pretty much par for the course for me though. I have a terrible habit of job hopping. I have never been on board with the idea of working yourself to death, or working for the weekend. Call me crazy, but I actually want to like what I do, at least to some extent, seeing as how the average person will spend most of their life at work. I get that the majority of people hate their jobs, but I don't want to dread going to work every day. I've been there, done that. It only adds to my stress. It makes me miserable in every aspect of my life. I've had a handful of job interviews in the last week, and I am hopeful. Ideally, I would love to love what I do, but on the other hand, I also realize there has to come a point where I just need to suck it up and be an adult... right?

They say money is the root of all evil, but unfortunately we need it to survive. I live in California, where the cost of living is astronomical. Since I have not yet been able to get out on my own, I live with my mom, who is not in the greatest health at this point. It's just the two of us in the home, and due to her extensive medical problems, she is unable to work; therefore, a lot of pressure falls on me to help with the bills and keep a roof over our heads. She collects SSI, but it's not enough to cover everything. Of course I want to help, but when I am between jobs, that becomes difficult. Trust me, I know how it looks that I am 29 and still living with my mom. I would move out if I had the means. The thing I've been struggling with lately is the question of what she would do if I left, since her SSI wouldn't be enough to make ends meet. I wouldn't just leave her high and dry, but at the same time, I need to get out of here, and I don't even know if I want to stay in California. There are so many places I would like to visit, and a few I could see myself being able to call home. Once I can get myself a job and start saving, it will be time to hash out some personal and financial goals.

This was NOT the way I planned for things to go. I have a bachelor's degree in criminal justice, and realized after graduation that I didn't want to pursue that field anymore. I spent a couple of years learning just how fucked and corrupt the system in general is, and I want nothing to do with it at this point. I wanted to be a lawyer, and maybe own my own firm or even serve as a judge. Noooope. Not anymore. No, thank you. So now I'm in considerable debt with a degree in a field I do not want to work in. A lot of the time, I wish I hadn't gone to school at all, and just entered the workforce to gain experience. The degree isn't worthless, but it's the most expensive piece of paper I've ever owned. Since graduation, I held a couple of legal jobs (since that's what I'm qualified for), and a few that were not in the legal field. Mostly office type jobs. I discovered my passion for photography a bit too late. I can't take photography classes unless I can afford to pay out of pocket. I'm doing alright on my own, I'm definitely not a bad photographer, but I'm not sure what I need to do to turn this into a career. Maybe one day. For now, I do have a job that's less than part time that I absolutely love. I sling merch for my favorite band. It's not enough to live off of though, not by a long shot. Hence the job search.

On top of the stress of not working and looking for a job, I was diagnosed with a medical issue last month. First, I will give you a little backstory. I was seeing a new guy, and things were going... decently. I hesitate to say they were going well, as communication and discussing emotions were not his strong suit. Anyway, things were fine, and we were moving toward a relationship. When I made the decision to sleep with him, it had been 8 months since the last time I had sex with anyone. The first time we were intimate, there were no issues. A few days after the second time, I noticed a few abnormal symptoms. Since I do not have health insurance right now, I went to Planned Parenthood (if you are conservative, you might wanna stop reading my blog now, since I am liberal as fuck), and they told me there was a good chance I had genital herpes. I cried for the rest of the afternoon. Of course I told the guy I was seeing. He said it complicated things, but he still wanted to work toward a relationship. Over the next week, I saw him maybe twice, for maybe an hour each time. He cancelled plans, and I feel like I barely heard from him. I felt very alone, and I was thrown into a bout of depression. By the time the clinic called to give me my positive test results, I was prepared for it. I joined an online support group, and everything I had read and looked at over the past few days confirmed I had it. There is a chance that I could have had this for a long time and just not known. 80% of the population has one form of herpes, most people being asymptomatic. What no one tells you is that standard STI testing does not include a test for herpes. If you have been tested in the past, even if you asked to be tested "across the board" like I did, doctors are advised by the CDC to not test for herpes UNLESS a patient has outward symptoms. If you do not show symptoms and want to be tested for it, you must ask for a 10 panel STI screening with a side test for trich. So there's a fun fact for you.

A little over a month after my diagnosis, I have learned a lot about HSV and myself. I learned that this is not the end of the world. I had already been dealing with HPV (genital warts, even more common than HSV) since 2017, and I was diagnosed with that after I got out of an emotionally abusive relationship. That was tough, as that particular ex used to slut shame me at every turn, among other things. But you know what? Shit happens. I have made a lot of mistakes in the past. I have hurt people, I have been unfaithful (yes, I regret it, but there's only so much I can beat myself up), I should have been more careful with my sexual health (use protection, kids!)... but life goes on and I am not defined by my past. I have made enough mistakes to know that I never want to make them again. I get up every day and I am careful not to fall back into my old patterns. I do my best to be the best person I can be. No matter what anyone says, that's important part. You have to try to be better, and you have to want to be. I hate the phrase "once a cheater, always a cheater" because, even though it took me a little longer than I would have liked, I realized that I didn't want to be that type of person anymore. Now, I am crazy honest, about absolutely EVERYTHING. If I hold back even the tiniest of details, especially in regard to a potential new boyfriend, it gnaws at me. I think that's a good thing. I would much rather give too much information than not enough. If you want to change, you can. Having to disclose both HPV and HSV to potential partners is going to blow, and not in the good way. So far, I have told a couple of people and everyone has been fine with it (they've been mostly just my friends, but whatever, I'll take it). I know this won't always be the case, but I am ready for anything that comes my way. I am so much more than both of those things. I have a lot to offer, and a lot of love to give, and anyone who would reject me because of the HSV/HPV isn't worth my time anyway. I just need to concentrate on being healthy, and everything else will fall into place. I don't think I can get on a daily antiviral any time soon, so I've been taking a supplement in the meantime, and I need to work on getting my stress levels under control. Stress can trigger an outbreak, so the fact that I am a bucket of anxiety at all times isn't good.

One more measure I have taken to help myself is starting therapy through the county. I had my first appointment on the 11th of September, and my next is appointment is on October 8th. I can only see my therapist once per month, which isn't ideal, but it's better than nothing. I might have to figure something else out though, because I do feel that I need more help than that. My therapist is pretty cool though, which is great. Hopefully I will be able to overcome my attachment and abandonment issues with her help, and learn to fully forgive myself for the mistakes I have made. Obviously, stress management is a major goal as well.

Despite the odds being against me, I am hopeful for what the future holds. I know I have included a lot of very personal and private details in this post, but if one person reads it, and can relate and maybe push a little harder in their own lives, that would be worth opening myself up to negativity. You are not the mistakes you've made, you are not your past, and you are most certainly not the mistakes your parents have made.

Be kind to each other. Be kind to yourself.

Introduction

It should be noted that I have not yet decided if I will let anyone in my every day life read the posts on this blog. So if you are a human that I actually know who is currently reading this, I suppose you are of great importance in my life. (Go you!)

I am not sure what I hope to gain by starting this. I'm not sure what I expect, if anything. I guess I feel I need some sort of outlet for my thoughts, and for some reason, this feels different than a physical journal even though it's the same idea. I can just never keep up with writing in a journal.

That being said... hello world, I'm Rose. No one really calls me that except for one special person, but I will get to him soon enough. I am not your typical Southern California girl. Instead of the sun, spray tans, and plastic surgery, I prefer heavy metal, fishnets, and concerts. Give me a pair of platform boots over stilettos any day of the week. The goth scene is my jam, although I do not go to clubs very often (that may soon change). I am perpetually anxious with a side of depression for flavor. I am liberal as fuck, and if I had to put myself into a religious category, Atheism would be the best fit. I feel the most comfortable with a camera in my hands, and in a photo pit at a metal or industrial show. I'm sure you're getting the picture... I am all things dark and gloomy. On the inside though, I am a big softy. I am what you might call a hopeless romantic (emphasis on the hopeless most days), and I am also misanthropic. It's interesting to be both of those things at the same time. I suppose people aren't all bad, but with how fucked up the world is, it's difficult to know who to trust. This might come off as a bit pessimistic, but more often than not, people are only out for themselves. It has been a defense mechanism to hide behind the black clothes and resting bitch face, for if people do not approach me, they cannot get to know me. If they cannot get to know me (and vice versa), they cannot hurt me. Simple, right? It is if you intend on being alone forever, which ideally, I do not. So, I have been on a journey of self-discovery and self-healing for the past year and a half. I am doing my best to break out of my shell and work on myself. I really do want to get better. I have over two decades of attachment and abandonment issues to work through (thanks dad!), and a lifetime of self-loathing. I know that it will be a lot of work, but it will be more than worth it in the end.

Of course, this is only a tiny sliver of who I am, but come on this journey with me, and we will both discover so much more.

Buckle up, bitches! ;)