Life moves, and changes, very quickly. I have experienced a lot of change recently. I have begun the work of self-healing, and I am learning that I am so much more than my past. I have an entire future ahead of me, and I don't want to waste any more time looking back.
Just as life changes, so do one's priorities. Tomorrow, I start my new job. It doesn't really excite me all that much, and it could pay more, but it's a good starting point to get to where I ultimately want to go. Lately I have been thinking a lot about my goals, old and new, and about how they fit into a possible new life direction. Spike has helped me realize a lot in the past month. Of course, if we end up together, I would make any and all necessary compromises to be with him. He would quickly float to the top of my list of priorities, although I won't lie and say he isn't already on it. That's what happens when you love someone (and I do have love for Spike), you make them a priority.
So what is it that Rose wants for her own life? Usually, I have the tendency to make life decisions based on the relationships I end up in. This has not always worked out well, quite obviously. Spike isn't the only one that needs to be careful as we grow more attached to each other. I have also lost myself in my partners, I just think it's manifested in different ways for me. I seem to always make more of an effort than the other person, I am always more willing to drop things. I don't think that is necessarily a bad thing... I happen to like my spontaneous nature, but I know I need to be more mindful of the choices I make when I get that way. I also need to be sure of the partners I make those sacrifices for. I don't want to scare him off, but I'm pretty damn sure of Spike. It's just a gut feeling. There I go getting off track again... anyway... I have been thinking about what I want out of life, and the biggest decision that I have come to is that I don't want to stay in California. For the longest time I thought I did, but the more I think about it, the more I realize the chances of me thriving here are slim. Possible of course, but slim. I don't want to struggle any more than I have to. I want to be comfortable. Which brings me to my next point: I would like a decent-paying job that I don't hate. I have never wanted to be rich or extravagant (okay, for a minute there yeaarsss ago I did... so glad I grew out of that). I don't need expensive handbags that I could carry a small dog in, the latest smartphone, the fastest car, or clothes that cost more than my existence. I would much rather have a life of simplicity. For example, my idea of the perfect morning is waking up to a gloomy day in a modest, cozy space, next to my cat and the love of my life (and don't forget the coffee!). Or some similar version of that. In job interviews, I have taken to answering the question, "Where do you see yourself in X number of years?" simply with "happy." I don't need to have a high paying job to accomplish that. I'm sure for some people it's nice, but humans get too wrapped up the rat race and they end up missing out on the far more important things in life. The next thing I want to do is make all of the art that I possibly can. I want to expand on my photography skills, and see if I have what it takes to make it as a professional. I have (obviously) started writing again, and although I am treating this as more of a journal than anything, I've always thought that I was a decent writer. I have made new friends and connections as well recently that will help foster my creativity, and I really feel like the sky is the limit in what I can do. All of the art babies! Last but certainly not least, although this list is no particular order anyway, I am making it a priority to get out to New Mexico in December, come hell or high water.
Change is inevitable, and it won't always be positive. It is important to take it in stride, and not let it completely fuck you up. If you can adapt and overcome, you can do anything.
Thursday, October 3, 2019
Video Killed the Radio Star
To whoever invented video chat: fucking thank you! As awesome as it is to speak with Spike over the phone on a normal voice call, seeing and hearing him in real time is on a whole different level. A level that can only really be surpassed by an in-person interaction. Today was our third video chat, and each time I hang up the phone, I wish a little harder that I was in his arms. Each time I see his face, something inside me kind of clicks and it confirms what I've been feeling for the past couple of weeks... this was no accident.
During our chat, Spike mentioned that it was a long-shot that we found each other. He created the dating profile on the site we met on when he wasn't really in the right head space to do so. I also created my profile on a whim, and for the past year or so, the rate at which I was creating and deleting dating profiles was alarming. Every time I would create one (usually on the same couple of sites or apps), it was as if I would grow bored of it faster and faster. The window for us to see each other and start talking was very small. I have experienced the whirlwind of online attraction and attachment before, but I am hesitant to say that I have felt something like this. I feel connected to Spike, and that goes much deeper than my physical attraction to him. Although we have not been communicating for very long, I can pick up on subtle changes in his mood, and I even seem to have more of a difficulty sleeping when he's experiencing an increase in stress. That last part could be coincidence I suppose. Anyway... I would like to think that I came into his life at the right time, just like it was perfect timing for him to come into mine. I am happy to know that he feels comfortable confiding in me. I am happy to know that I am the one woman in his life that he gives romantic attention to, despite the fact that he cannot entertain the idea of a relationship right now. I definitely can't say I blame him for that. He's been through more than his fair share of hell. I am perfectly content with moving at whatever speed he feels comfortable. Given the distance between us, there's only so much that can happen anyway, but I am thankful that we are forced to get to know one another more intimately than we would if we were closer.
Spike and I are separated by an entire state and then some, but there is still a high chance that one (or both) of us could get hurt in this process. I won't kid myself and try to convince myself otherwise. For me, the risk is more than worth it. He has hurt me before, but I do not hold it against him. You cannot expect to move through the world and not get burned in some way. I want to be patient and wait this out, to see what this could turn into. He's got a lot of healing to do, and I intend to be there for him every step of the way, in whatever capacity he needs. Everyone is a little broken, that is just the way it is. It's not how broken you are that speaks to your character, it's your self-awareness and willingness to do something about it. I am so proud of Spike for facing his demons head-on. Too many people see problems within themselves and choose to ignore them, or fill the void with a vice and hope they go away. The problem with trying to cover up your problems is that they won't resolve that way. It takes work and for many, it's extremely difficult to look within themselves to try to fix the issues they may have. Spike is doing that... and he's going to be great once he emerges on the other side. I am honored to witness this transmutation. His healing comes first, and although there isn't much I can do to help with it, I can cheer him on and be his biggest supporter.
So, I will remind him how amazing he is, and how handsome I think he is. I will remind him that he is strong, and that he's got this thing in the bag. I will remind him that the work is worth it to find himself, the person he was always meant to be... and when he can't see those things for himself, I will let him borrow my lens. When you can't see how beautiful you are, try looking at yourself through someone else's eyes.
During our chat, Spike mentioned that it was a long-shot that we found each other. He created the dating profile on the site we met on when he wasn't really in the right head space to do so. I also created my profile on a whim, and for the past year or so, the rate at which I was creating and deleting dating profiles was alarming. Every time I would create one (usually on the same couple of sites or apps), it was as if I would grow bored of it faster and faster. The window for us to see each other and start talking was very small. I have experienced the whirlwind of online attraction and attachment before, but I am hesitant to say that I have felt something like this. I feel connected to Spike, and that goes much deeper than my physical attraction to him. Although we have not been communicating for very long, I can pick up on subtle changes in his mood, and I even seem to have more of a difficulty sleeping when he's experiencing an increase in stress. That last part could be coincidence I suppose. Anyway... I would like to think that I came into his life at the right time, just like it was perfect timing for him to come into mine. I am happy to know that he feels comfortable confiding in me. I am happy to know that I am the one woman in his life that he gives romantic attention to, despite the fact that he cannot entertain the idea of a relationship right now. I definitely can't say I blame him for that. He's been through more than his fair share of hell. I am perfectly content with moving at whatever speed he feels comfortable. Given the distance between us, there's only so much that can happen anyway, but I am thankful that we are forced to get to know one another more intimately than we would if we were closer.
Spike and I are separated by an entire state and then some, but there is still a high chance that one (or both) of us could get hurt in this process. I won't kid myself and try to convince myself otherwise. For me, the risk is more than worth it. He has hurt me before, but I do not hold it against him. You cannot expect to move through the world and not get burned in some way. I want to be patient and wait this out, to see what this could turn into. He's got a lot of healing to do, and I intend to be there for him every step of the way, in whatever capacity he needs. Everyone is a little broken, that is just the way it is. It's not how broken you are that speaks to your character, it's your self-awareness and willingness to do something about it. I am so proud of Spike for facing his demons head-on. Too many people see problems within themselves and choose to ignore them, or fill the void with a vice and hope they go away. The problem with trying to cover up your problems is that they won't resolve that way. It takes work and for many, it's extremely difficult to look within themselves to try to fix the issues they may have. Spike is doing that... and he's going to be great once he emerges on the other side. I am honored to witness this transmutation. His healing comes first, and although there isn't much I can do to help with it, I can cheer him on and be his biggest supporter.
So, I will remind him how amazing he is, and how handsome I think he is. I will remind him that he is strong, and that he's got this thing in the bag. I will remind him that the work is worth it to find himself, the person he was always meant to be... and when he can't see those things for himself, I will let him borrow my lens. When you can't see how beautiful you are, try looking at yourself through someone else's eyes.
Tuesday, October 1, 2019
Spike
Spike came into my life at exactly the right time.
Things were fizzling out quickly with guy I had been seeing during the HSV fiasco, and although I shouldn't have dragged that out for as long as I did, I knew it would only be a matter of time before I told him I just wanted to be friends. I wasn't getting what I needed emotionally, and we weren't even in a relationship yet. I knew it wouldn't work. I didn't want to hurt him, which is why I kinda beat around the bush about it... that was my bad. I should have extended the courtesy of being straightforward, like I would normally. Part of me didn't want to go on the trip to San Diego (for the first night of tour for the band I work for) I had been planning alone. I know that was part of it, as bad as it sounds. I was set to leave Friday at noon to make the drive there. Spike and I started talking on Monday, Labor Day.
I made a profile on an alternative dating site the night before. The way that particular site works, it takes a while (usually about a day, maybe 12 hours or so) for your photos to be approved by the site administrators. The guy I was seeing knew I had jumped back onto a dating site, said it was fine by him. Until my photos were approved, I didn't want to be too active on the site. Profiles without photos don't get much attention, and I knew I'd get plenty once mine were up. I have self esteem issues, but I also know I'm not unattractive. I usually get a decent amount of attention on dating sites and apps. I browsed a few profiles, but no one really struck my fancy. I started talking to a guy in Ohio, who was really adamant about coming out to California for a certain concert that was happening later in the month. I wasn't into the idea at all, so I let that conversation fizzle. That was about it for my activity that first night. The next day, my photos had been approved, and several people had viewed my profile. I checked a couple of people out, but then did a general search for guys in the United States. The major thing that sucks about that particular site is that no one is local. It only narrows your search by state, not city. So that kinda blows. Anyway... I did a general search, and a particular photo jumped out at me. Gorgeous man, black hair, wearing spiked leather, sly smile... fucking yes, please! I clicked on the photo to bring up the profile. Screen name: Gearhead75, location: New Mexico. Fuck. I read the long-winded profile anyway, and caught myself smiling a few times and even nodding in agreement at what this guy had written. It appeared that we had a lot in common, and that he was someone I wanted to get to know. I checked the other photos he had up... yowzah! Totally and completely my type. The goth aesthetic on men just drives me insane. I sent the first message to Gearhead75... or maybe it was a wink... either way, I made the first move. We started talking, and it was like I got swept up in a fucking whirlwind. Hours passed, and we barely missed a beat exchanging messages on the much-too-slow website. Then, toward the evening, he sent me a message responding to the latest thing we'd been discussing. At the end of the message, he said, "I wouldn't normally do this with someone so far away, but do you want my number?" And I said "Yeah, I really do..."
We talked for the rest of the night, and I could tell there was already a connection (on my end, at least). The next morning I woke up excited to talk to him, and I knew I had to tell him my new secret as soon as possible. If he was going to reject me or not want to talk to me anymore, I wanted it to be sooner rather than later, when I had grown more attached. I was so nervous as I typed out my message to him explaining my situation. I made sure to be as concise as I possibly could even though my brain was a jumbled mess in that moment. I hit 'send', and immediately felt the weight of it on my chest. He was working at the time, so he replied and told me that when he could, he would type out a more thoughtful answer as his feelings on the subject were complicated, but it wasn't necessarily a disqualifier. Long story short, he said my honestly was golden, and that he'd help me with herb and supplement suggestions if I wanted him to (he's a medical herbalist, and therefore was able to give me information that I didn't even have) in order to suppress the virus. He still wanted to get to know me. I was so happy to read that. Over the next few days, I would tell him all of the major things about myself that I wasn't proud of... the HPV, the infidelity, the living at home... he was so understanding about all of it. I told him that of course there are probably more things I would need to tell him that haven't come to mind just yet, but promised I would never hide anything from him. And I never would. I know that I would never intentionally hurt him in any way, no matter what. I know that it seems impossible to be able to make that sort of promise, but you haven't felt what I feel. It's difficult to put into words.
Anyway... over the next couple of days, the communication between Spike and I did not stop, with the exception of us being asleep and him being at work of course. I had been planning to take the guy I had been seeing to San Diego with me, but given my increasing feelings for Spike, I decided to go alone. Which ended up working better in the long-run because I had to stop and run a few band related errands anyway. Once I completed the errands, Spike and I both had some free time to talk on the phone. The first time I heard his voice was nothing short of incredible. It was sexy, and perfectly matched his photos, if that makes sense. We talked about life, his work, all kinds of things. Before either of us knew it, an hour had passed, and I was just about to my hotel. He had to go too, so we said goodbye. Of course, we immediately resumed texting. As soon as I got checked in, I let the guy I had been seeing know that I just wanted to be friends... that was a long overdue message. After that, I deleted my dating profile, and left the dating groups I'd joined. I know this sounds insane, but I had my sights set on Spike after just 4 or so days of communicating. I sent him a text letting him know where my head was, that I'd just deleted all of my dating profiles and sent any others packing, and the next text that I received blew me away. Spike replied and said that since that's where things stood, I had myself a boyfriend now. He said that we would plan to meet up a few times in person to make sure we both really wanted this, and that the end game was to end up together and not do long distance, and did that work for me? Uhm, YES! Of course that worked for me. I was indescribably happy. I went about my business for the day... found a place to eat, went back to the hotel to get ready for the show. All the while, the word 'boyfriend' along with Spike's face was emblazoned on my brain. It was a great feeling. I went to the show high on life. It was a fantastic night, and I got great shots. However, I returned to my hotel at the end of the night and had a difficult time falling asleep.
When I woke up, I texted Spike. His tone alerted me that something was off, and I could sense a shift in his demeanor. Unable to ignore it, I asked if everything was okay. Spike, like most other humans on the planet, is not without his own issues to work through. I knew about a lot of the things he was going through (a separation from his second wife being just one example), and knew he needed to take things slow. He said he'd been taking time to think about things, and that making me his girlfriend happened way too fast. I reminded him that it had been his idea, but told him that I understood his need to be cautious. At the end of a long conversation, we removed the label, but intended to move forward with getting to know each other. Friends first. I won't lie to you, it hurt, but I knew his needs had to come first. He's got a lot of emotional healing to do, and there's no way I'd get in the way of that, or jeopardize what this connection could turn into. I want us to happen the right way. I will support him no matter what, through anything. I am always going to be there if he needs to vent, cry, scream, what have you. As odd as it may seem, I am sitting here one month into communicating with this man, and I can't (and don't want to) imagine my life without him. No matter what happens with us romantically, I feel that he will be a permanent fixture in my life. I'm even planning to fly to New Mexico in December to meet him in person (I can't express how excited I am for that). If it wasn't obvious, he is the one that gets to call me Rose. Every time he does, I get all giddy and shit. He's a special guy, alright. Truly one of a kind.
I didn't have any expectations when I set up that dating profile. I was just looking for someone to talk to so I could feel less lonely. Maybe someone who understood and wouldn't judge me. I found those things with Spike, most definitely. But I never would have imagined that I would find the other things I found in him. A best friend. A confidant. Someone who not only doesn't judge me for the mistakes I've made, but makes me feel like I'm still a person despite them. Someone who makes me feel beautiful and sexy at a time when I needed it the most. Someone who supports me, and reminds me that I can overcome anything. Someone who makes me want to be the best possible version of myself. Someone who talks to me like no one else ever has. I feel like I can tell him anything. Yeah, I gotta be careful with this one.
Things were fizzling out quickly with guy I had been seeing during the HSV fiasco, and although I shouldn't have dragged that out for as long as I did, I knew it would only be a matter of time before I told him I just wanted to be friends. I wasn't getting what I needed emotionally, and we weren't even in a relationship yet. I knew it wouldn't work. I didn't want to hurt him, which is why I kinda beat around the bush about it... that was my bad. I should have extended the courtesy of being straightforward, like I would normally. Part of me didn't want to go on the trip to San Diego (for the first night of tour for the band I work for) I had been planning alone. I know that was part of it, as bad as it sounds. I was set to leave Friday at noon to make the drive there. Spike and I started talking on Monday, Labor Day.
I made a profile on an alternative dating site the night before. The way that particular site works, it takes a while (usually about a day, maybe 12 hours or so) for your photos to be approved by the site administrators. The guy I was seeing knew I had jumped back onto a dating site, said it was fine by him. Until my photos were approved, I didn't want to be too active on the site. Profiles without photos don't get much attention, and I knew I'd get plenty once mine were up. I have self esteem issues, but I also know I'm not unattractive. I usually get a decent amount of attention on dating sites and apps. I browsed a few profiles, but no one really struck my fancy. I started talking to a guy in Ohio, who was really adamant about coming out to California for a certain concert that was happening later in the month. I wasn't into the idea at all, so I let that conversation fizzle. That was about it for my activity that first night. The next day, my photos had been approved, and several people had viewed my profile. I checked a couple of people out, but then did a general search for guys in the United States. The major thing that sucks about that particular site is that no one is local. It only narrows your search by state, not city. So that kinda blows. Anyway... I did a general search, and a particular photo jumped out at me. Gorgeous man, black hair, wearing spiked leather, sly smile... fucking yes, please! I clicked on the photo to bring up the profile. Screen name: Gearhead75, location: New Mexico. Fuck. I read the long-winded profile anyway, and caught myself smiling a few times and even nodding in agreement at what this guy had written. It appeared that we had a lot in common, and that he was someone I wanted to get to know. I checked the other photos he had up... yowzah! Totally and completely my type. The goth aesthetic on men just drives me insane. I sent the first message to Gearhead75... or maybe it was a wink... either way, I made the first move. We started talking, and it was like I got swept up in a fucking whirlwind. Hours passed, and we barely missed a beat exchanging messages on the much-too-slow website. Then, toward the evening, he sent me a message responding to the latest thing we'd been discussing. At the end of the message, he said, "I wouldn't normally do this with someone so far away, but do you want my number?" And I said "Yeah, I really do..."
We talked for the rest of the night, and I could tell there was already a connection (on my end, at least). The next morning I woke up excited to talk to him, and I knew I had to tell him my new secret as soon as possible. If he was going to reject me or not want to talk to me anymore, I wanted it to be sooner rather than later, when I had grown more attached. I was so nervous as I typed out my message to him explaining my situation. I made sure to be as concise as I possibly could even though my brain was a jumbled mess in that moment. I hit 'send', and immediately felt the weight of it on my chest. He was working at the time, so he replied and told me that when he could, he would type out a more thoughtful answer as his feelings on the subject were complicated, but it wasn't necessarily a disqualifier. Long story short, he said my honestly was golden, and that he'd help me with herb and supplement suggestions if I wanted him to (he's a medical herbalist, and therefore was able to give me information that I didn't even have) in order to suppress the virus. He still wanted to get to know me. I was so happy to read that. Over the next few days, I would tell him all of the major things about myself that I wasn't proud of... the HPV, the infidelity, the living at home... he was so understanding about all of it. I told him that of course there are probably more things I would need to tell him that haven't come to mind just yet, but promised I would never hide anything from him. And I never would. I know that I would never intentionally hurt him in any way, no matter what. I know that it seems impossible to be able to make that sort of promise, but you haven't felt what I feel. It's difficult to put into words.
Anyway... over the next couple of days, the communication between Spike and I did not stop, with the exception of us being asleep and him being at work of course. I had been planning to take the guy I had been seeing to San Diego with me, but given my increasing feelings for Spike, I decided to go alone. Which ended up working better in the long-run because I had to stop and run a few band related errands anyway. Once I completed the errands, Spike and I both had some free time to talk on the phone. The first time I heard his voice was nothing short of incredible. It was sexy, and perfectly matched his photos, if that makes sense. We talked about life, his work, all kinds of things. Before either of us knew it, an hour had passed, and I was just about to my hotel. He had to go too, so we said goodbye. Of course, we immediately resumed texting. As soon as I got checked in, I let the guy I had been seeing know that I just wanted to be friends... that was a long overdue message. After that, I deleted my dating profile, and left the dating groups I'd joined. I know this sounds insane, but I had my sights set on Spike after just 4 or so days of communicating. I sent him a text letting him know where my head was, that I'd just deleted all of my dating profiles and sent any others packing, and the next text that I received blew me away. Spike replied and said that since that's where things stood, I had myself a boyfriend now. He said that we would plan to meet up a few times in person to make sure we both really wanted this, and that the end game was to end up together and not do long distance, and did that work for me? Uhm, YES! Of course that worked for me. I was indescribably happy. I went about my business for the day... found a place to eat, went back to the hotel to get ready for the show. All the while, the word 'boyfriend' along with Spike's face was emblazoned on my brain. It was a great feeling. I went to the show high on life. It was a fantastic night, and I got great shots. However, I returned to my hotel at the end of the night and had a difficult time falling asleep.
When I woke up, I texted Spike. His tone alerted me that something was off, and I could sense a shift in his demeanor. Unable to ignore it, I asked if everything was okay. Spike, like most other humans on the planet, is not without his own issues to work through. I knew about a lot of the things he was going through (a separation from his second wife being just one example), and knew he needed to take things slow. He said he'd been taking time to think about things, and that making me his girlfriend happened way too fast. I reminded him that it had been his idea, but told him that I understood his need to be cautious. At the end of a long conversation, we removed the label, but intended to move forward with getting to know each other. Friends first. I won't lie to you, it hurt, but I knew his needs had to come first. He's got a lot of emotional healing to do, and there's no way I'd get in the way of that, or jeopardize what this connection could turn into. I want us to happen the right way. I will support him no matter what, through anything. I am always going to be there if he needs to vent, cry, scream, what have you. As odd as it may seem, I am sitting here one month into communicating with this man, and I can't (and don't want to) imagine my life without him. No matter what happens with us romantically, I feel that he will be a permanent fixture in my life. I'm even planning to fly to New Mexico in December to meet him in person (I can't express how excited I am for that). If it wasn't obvious, he is the one that gets to call me Rose. Every time he does, I get all giddy and shit. He's a special guy, alright. Truly one of a kind.
I didn't have any expectations when I set up that dating profile. I was just looking for someone to talk to so I could feel less lonely. Maybe someone who understood and wouldn't judge me. I found those things with Spike, most definitely. But I never would have imagined that I would find the other things I found in him. A best friend. A confidant. Someone who not only doesn't judge me for the mistakes I've made, but makes me feel like I'm still a person despite them. Someone who makes me feel beautiful and sexy at a time when I needed it the most. Someone who supports me, and reminds me that I can overcome anything. Someone who makes me want to be the best possible version of myself. Someone who talks to me like no one else ever has. I feel like I can tell him anything. Yeah, I gotta be careful with this one.
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