Spike

Spike came into my life at exactly the right time.

Things were fizzling out quickly with guy I had been seeing during the HSV fiasco, and although I shouldn't have dragged that out for as long as I did, I knew it would only be a matter of time before I told him I just wanted to be friends. I wasn't getting what I needed emotionally, and we weren't even in a relationship yet. I knew it wouldn't work. I didn't want to hurt him, which is why I kinda beat around the bush about it... that was my bad. I should have extended the courtesy of being straightforward, like I would normally. Part of me didn't want to go on the trip to San Diego (for the first night of tour for the band I work for) I had been planning alone. I know that was part of it, as bad as it sounds. I was set to leave Friday at noon to make the drive there. Spike and I started talking on Monday, Labor Day.

I made a profile on an alternative dating site the night before. The way that particular site works, it takes a while (usually about a day, maybe 12 hours or so) for your photos to be approved by the site administrators. The guy I was seeing knew I had jumped back onto a dating site, said it was fine by him. Until my photos were approved, I didn't want to be too active on the site. Profiles without photos don't get much attention, and I knew I'd get plenty once mine were up. I have self esteem issues, but I also know I'm not unattractive. I usually get a decent amount of attention on dating sites and apps. I browsed a few profiles, but no one really struck my fancy. I started talking to a guy in Ohio, who was really adamant about coming out to California for a certain concert that was happening later in the month. I wasn't into the idea at all, so I let that conversation fizzle. That was about it for my activity that first night. The next day, my photos had been approved, and several people had viewed my profile. I checked a couple of people out, but then did a general search for guys in the United States. The major thing that sucks about that particular site is that no one is local. It only narrows your search by state, not city. So that kinda blows. Anyway... I did a general search, and a particular photo jumped out at me. Gorgeous man, black hair, wearing spiked leather, sly smile... fucking yes, please! I clicked on the photo to bring up the profile. Screen name: Gearhead75, location: New Mexico. Fuck. I read the long-winded profile anyway, and caught myself smiling a few times and even nodding in agreement at what this guy had written. It appeared that we had a lot in common, and that he was someone I wanted to get to know. I checked the other photos he had up... yowzah! Totally and completely my type. The goth aesthetic on men just drives me insane. I sent the first message to Gearhead75... or maybe it was a wink... either way, I made the first move. We started talking, and it was like I got swept up in a fucking whirlwind. Hours passed, and we barely missed a beat exchanging messages on the much-too-slow website. Then, toward the evening, he sent me a message responding to the latest thing we'd been discussing. At the end of the message, he said, "I wouldn't normally do this with someone so far away, but do you want my number?" And I said "Yeah, I really do..."

We talked for the rest of the night, and I could tell there was already a connection (on my end, at least). The next morning I woke up excited to talk to him, and I knew I had to tell him my new secret as soon as possible. If he was going to reject me or not want to talk to me anymore, I wanted it to be sooner rather than later, when I had grown more attached. I was so nervous as I typed out my message to him explaining my situation. I made sure to be as concise as I possibly could even though my brain was a jumbled mess in that moment. I hit 'send', and immediately felt the weight of it on my chest. He was working at the time, so he replied and told me that when he could, he would type out a more thoughtful answer as his feelings on the subject were complicated, but it wasn't necessarily a disqualifier. Long story short, he said my honestly was golden, and that he'd help me with herb and supplement suggestions if I wanted him to (he's a medical herbalist, and therefore was able to give me information that I didn't even have) in order to suppress the virus. He still wanted to get to know me. I was so happy to read that. Over the next few days, I would tell him all of the major things about myself that I wasn't proud of... the HPV, the infidelity, the living at home... he was so understanding about all of it. I told him that of course there are probably more things I would need to tell him that haven't come to mind just yet, but promised I would never hide anything from him. And I never would. I know that I would never intentionally hurt him in any way, no matter what. I know that it seems impossible to be able to make that sort of promise, but you haven't felt what I feel. It's difficult to put into words.

Anyway... over the next couple of days, the communication between Spike and I did not stop, with the exception of us being asleep and him being at work of course. I had been planning to take the guy I had been seeing to San Diego with me, but given my increasing feelings for Spike, I decided to go alone. Which ended up working better in the long-run because I had to stop and run a few band related errands anyway. Once I completed the errands, Spike and I both had some free time to talk on the phone. The first time I heard his voice was nothing short of incredible. It was sexy, and perfectly matched his photos, if that makes sense. We talked about life, his work, all kinds of things. Before either of us knew it, an hour had passed, and I was just about to my hotel. He had to go too, so we said goodbye. Of course, we immediately resumed texting. As soon as I got checked in, I let the guy I had been seeing know that I just wanted to be friends... that was a long overdue message. After that, I deleted my dating profile, and left the dating groups I'd joined. I know this sounds insane, but I had my sights set on Spike after just 4 or so days of communicating. I sent him a text letting him know where my head was, that I'd just deleted all of my dating profiles and sent any others packing, and the next text that I received blew me away. Spike replied and said that since that's where things stood, I had myself a boyfriend now. He said that we would plan to meet up a few times in person to make sure we both really wanted this, and that the end game was to end up together and not do long distance, and did that work for me? Uhm, YES! Of course that worked for me. I was indescribably happy. I went about my business for the day... found a place to eat, went back to the hotel to get ready for the show. All the while, the word 'boyfriend' along with Spike's face was emblazoned on my brain. It was a great feeling. I went to the show high on life. It was a fantastic night, and I got great shots. However, I returned to my hotel at the end of the night and had a difficult time falling asleep.

When I woke up, I texted Spike. His tone alerted me that something was off, and I could sense a shift in his demeanor. Unable to ignore it, I asked if everything was okay. Spike, like most other humans on the planet, is not without his own issues to work through. I knew about a lot of the things he was going through (a separation from his second wife being just one example), and knew he needed to take things slow. He said he'd been taking time to think about things, and that making me his girlfriend happened way too fast. I reminded him that it had been his idea, but told him that I understood his need to be cautious. At the end of a long conversation, we removed the label, but intended to move forward with getting to know each other. Friends first. I won't lie to you, it hurt, but I knew his needs had to come first. He's got a lot of emotional healing to do, and there's no way I'd get in the way of that, or jeopardize what this connection could turn into. I want us to happen the right way. I will support him no matter what, through anything. I am always going to be there if he needs to vent, cry, scream, what have you. As odd as it may seem, I am sitting here one month into communicating with this man, and I can't (and don't want to) imagine my life without him. No matter what happens with us romantically, I feel that he will be a permanent fixture in my life. I'm even planning to fly to New Mexico in December to meet him in person (I can't express how excited I am for that). If it wasn't obvious, he is the one that gets to call me Rose. Every time he does, I get all giddy and shit. He's a special guy, alright. Truly one of a kind.

I didn't have any expectations when I set up that dating profile. I was just looking for someone to talk to so I could feel less lonely. Maybe someone who understood and wouldn't judge me. I found those things with Spike, most definitely. But I never would have imagined that I would find the other things I found in him. A best friend. A confidant. Someone who not only doesn't judge me for the mistakes I've made, but makes me feel like I'm still a person despite them. Someone who makes me feel beautiful and sexy at a time when I needed it the most. Someone who supports me, and reminds me that I can overcome anything. Someone who makes me want to be the best possible version of myself. Someone who talks to me like no one else ever has. I feel like I can tell him anything. Yeah, I gotta be careful with this one.