Priorites

Life moves, and changes, very quickly. I have experienced a lot of change recently. I have begun the work of self-healing, and I am learning that I am so much more than my past. I have an entire future ahead of me, and I don't want to waste any more time looking back.

Just as life changes, so do one's priorities. Tomorrow, I start my new job. It doesn't really excite me all that much, and it could pay more, but it's a good starting point to get to where I ultimately want to go. Lately I have been thinking a lot about my goals, old and new, and about how they fit into a possible new life direction. Spike has helped me realize a lot in the past month. Of course, if we end up together, I would make any and all necessary compromises to be with him. He would quickly float to the top of my list of priorities, although I won't lie and say he isn't already on it. That's what happens when you love someone (and I do have love for Spike), you make them a priority.

So what is it that Rose wants for her own life? Usually, I have the tendency to make life decisions based on the relationships I end up in. This has not always worked out well, quite obviously. Spike isn't the only one that needs to be careful as we grow more attached to each other. I have also lost myself in my partners, I just think it's manifested in different ways for me. I seem to always make more of an effort than the other person, I am always more willing to drop things. I don't think that is necessarily a bad thing... I happen to like my spontaneous nature, but I know I need to be more mindful of the choices I make when I get that way. I also need to be sure of the partners I make those sacrifices for. I don't want to scare him off, but I'm pretty damn sure of Spike. It's just a gut feeling. There I go getting off track again... anyway... I have been thinking about what I want out of life, and the biggest decision that I have come to is that I don't want to stay in California. For the longest time I thought I did, but the more I think about it, the more I realize the chances of me thriving here are slim. Possible of course, but slim. I don't want to struggle any more than I have to. I want to be comfortable. Which brings me to my next point: I would like a decent-paying job that I don't hate. I have never wanted to be rich or extravagant (okay, for a minute there yeaarsss ago I did... so glad I grew out of that). I don't need expensive handbags that I could carry a small dog in, the latest smartphone, the fastest car, or clothes that cost more than my existence. I would much rather have a life of simplicity. For example, my idea of the perfect morning is waking up to a gloomy day in a modest, cozy space, next to my cat and the love of my life (and don't forget the coffee!). Or some similar version of that. In job interviews, I have taken to answering the question, "Where do you see yourself in X number of years?" simply with "happy." I don't need to have a high paying job to accomplish that. I'm sure for some people it's nice, but humans get too wrapped up the rat race and they end up missing out on the far more important things in life. The next thing I want to do is make all of the art that I possibly can. I want to expand on my photography skills, and see if I have what it takes to make it as a professional. I have (obviously) started writing again, and although I am treating this as more of a journal than anything, I've always thought that I was a decent writer. I have made new friends and connections as well recently that will help foster my creativity, and I really feel like the sky is the limit in what I can do. All of the art babies! Last but certainly not least, although this list is no particular order anyway, I am making it a priority to get out to New Mexico in December, come hell or high water.

Change is inevitable, and it won't always be positive. It is important to take it in stride, and not let it completely fuck you up. If you can adapt and overcome, you can do anything.