Video Killed the Radio Star

To whoever invented video chat: fucking thank you! As awesome as it is to speak with Spike over the phone on a normal voice call, seeing and hearing him in real time is on a whole different level. A level that can only really be surpassed by an in-person interaction. Today was our third video chat, and each time I hang up the phone, I wish a little harder that I was in his arms. Each time I see his face, something inside me kind of clicks and it confirms what I've been feeling for the past couple of weeks... this was no accident.

During our chat, Spike mentioned that it was a long-shot that we found each other. He created the dating profile on the site we met on when he wasn't really in the right head space to do so. I also created my profile on a whim, and for the past year or so, the rate at which I was creating and deleting dating profiles was alarming. Every time I would create one (usually on the same couple of sites or apps), it was as if I would grow bored of it faster and faster. The window for us to see each other and start talking was very small. I have experienced the whirlwind of online attraction and attachment before, but I am hesitant to say that I have felt something like this. I feel connected to Spike, and that goes much deeper than my physical attraction to him. Although we have not been communicating for very long, I can pick up on subtle changes in his mood, and I even seem to have more of a difficulty sleeping when he's experiencing an increase in stress. That last part could be coincidence I suppose. Anyway... I would like to think that I came into his life at the right time, just like it was perfect timing for him to come into mine. I am happy to know that he feels comfortable confiding in me. I am happy to know that I am the one woman in his life that he gives romantic attention to, despite the fact that he cannot entertain the idea of a relationship right now. I definitely can't say I blame him for that. He's been through more than his fair share of hell. I am perfectly content with moving at whatever speed he feels comfortable. Given the distance between us, there's only so much that can happen anyway, but I am thankful that we are forced to get to know one another more intimately than we would if we were closer.

Spike and I are separated by an entire state and then some, but there is still a high chance that one (or both) of us could get hurt in this process. I won't kid myself and try to convince myself otherwise. For me, the risk is more than worth it. He has hurt me before, but I do not hold it against him. You cannot expect to move through the world and not get burned in some way. I want to be patient and wait this out, to see what this could turn into. He's got a lot of healing to do, and I intend to be there for him every step of the way, in whatever capacity he needs. Everyone is a little broken, that is just the way it is. It's not how broken you are that speaks to your character, it's your self-awareness and willingness to do something about it. I am so proud of Spike for facing his demons head-on. Too many people see problems within themselves and choose to ignore them, or fill the void with a vice and hope they go away. The problem with trying to cover up your problems is that they won't resolve that way. It takes work and for many, it's extremely difficult to look within themselves to try to fix the issues they may have. Spike is doing that... and he's going to be great once he emerges on the other side. I am honored to witness this transmutation. His healing comes first, and although there isn't much I can do to help with it, I can cheer him on and be his biggest supporter.

So, I will remind him how amazing he is, and how handsome I think he is. I will remind him that he is strong, and that he's got this thing in the bag. I will remind him that the work is worth it to find himself, the person he was always meant to be... and when he can't see those things for himself, I will let him borrow my lens. When you can't see how beautiful you are, try looking at yourself through someone else's eyes.